It would be so much easier if I could just master some things the first time. Or, the 50th time. But it seems I have an inclination to fall back into old habits or occasionally, with surprising intention, to sabotage myself. And so it is, that many days I find myself starting over.
Recently I gave that a lot of thought. There are hundreds of resources that offer to help people like me who have a pattern of behaviour that they would like to change. It is incredibly easy to find someone who has overcome the very challenge I am up against and is willing to sell me their secret. There are also just as many skilled experts who have powerful techniques and formulas to guarantee change. Yet, here I am today, in my well stocked library and access to every kind of media imaginable, and I'm starting over again.
Why would I do this? Why haven't I given up? Why haven't I realized how limiting my life is when my energy is spent pressing a reset button on a continuous basis?
Because I have hope. I have hope that the 'penny will drop', the 'light will go own', the 'ah-ha moment will surface. I have hope that I am being guided and that every circumstance of my life is leading me to a deeper understanding of myself - even the stubbornly stuck places. I have hope that I'm not done yet and that starting over gives me another change to grow and learn and serve.
Every time I have made a significant (or even a minor) change in my life there was a deep knowing that preceded it. Sometimes I just flowed so easily into something more empowering that I barely noticed and really can't explain it to anyone. Other times I stopped cold in my tracks and lost my breath for a moment or two. But for sure ... when the timing was right, it happened and any amount of angst I had suffered through was quickly forgotten.
When I have hope, I have purpose. There is a reason to keep going, to start over. There is a sliver of light, a rainbow, a small space in an otherwise animated conversation. Whatever it is, I am certain that this time, it will happen again.
And that's why, no matter how bleak some moments feel, I keep starting over.
Recently I gave that a lot of thought. There are hundreds of resources that offer to help people like me who have a pattern of behaviour that they would like to change. It is incredibly easy to find someone who has overcome the very challenge I am up against and is willing to sell me their secret. There are also just as many skilled experts who have powerful techniques and formulas to guarantee change. Yet, here I am today, in my well stocked library and access to every kind of media imaginable, and I'm starting over again.
Why would I do this? Why haven't I given up? Why haven't I realized how limiting my life is when my energy is spent pressing a reset button on a continuous basis?
Because I have hope. I have hope that the 'penny will drop', the 'light will go own', the 'ah-ha moment will surface. I have hope that I am being guided and that every circumstance of my life is leading me to a deeper understanding of myself - even the stubbornly stuck places. I have hope that I'm not done yet and that starting over gives me another change to grow and learn and serve.
Every time I have made a significant (or even a minor) change in my life there was a deep knowing that preceded it. Sometimes I just flowed so easily into something more empowering that I barely noticed and really can't explain it to anyone. Other times I stopped cold in my tracks and lost my breath for a moment or two. But for sure ... when the timing was right, it happened and any amount of angst I had suffered through was quickly forgotten.
When I have hope, I have purpose. There is a reason to keep going, to start over. There is a sliver of light, a rainbow, a small space in an otherwise animated conversation. Whatever it is, I am certain that this time, it will happen again.
And that's why, no matter how bleak some moments feel, I keep starting over.
