"Your need to know does not override my need for privacy."
This statement popped into my head when I felt 'cornered' by someone who is a friend/acquaintance. We have known each other for over ten years and see each other infrequently. Sometimes our brief conversations are deep and meaningful. Other times we rant. Now, as I find myself struggling with an issue of huge significance to me, I realize that I don't want to share with her. She is kind, respectful and sincerely cares about me. But I still don't want to share. With her or anyone else. As she presses me with 'are you alright' and 'what can I do', I feel the overwhelming defensiveness of someone for whom privacy is a dotted line.
I know I have shared too much about myself with too many people in the past. And of course I wrote a book that included big chunks of my life so there is a lot about me that is public knowledge. But there are times when I don't want to talk about intimate details of my worries and challenges. This is one of them.
In the workplace, it is so easy to bond with our peers over projects and the daily routine of doing business. And it's not unusual for personal stuff to enter into the conversations over lunch or during breaks. The challenge for many women is setting boundaries around what we share. Because we naturally connect, we may have a hard time saying no to invitations to share. And we need to do that. Especially if we have shared a lot in the past.
When women leave my retreat, many know they will land back in the office to face the barrage of questions from their co-workers. Sometimes it is just one or two who know where they have been and other times word has spread through the team or department that they have gone away to some kind of retreat. They all have judgements about what that means and are super curious about the details of the experience. And these women are often reluctant to dilute their retreat impressions by giving out details. They are still in process and need time to decide what to say.
I'm a 'process out loud' kind of girl. When I walk with my buddy, we both appreciate how we each give the other space to blurt and reframe and listen to ourselves. Neither of us holds any judgement on the others' rambling even if we sometimes respond with our reflections. That works on a walk with a trusted friend where we have an agreement on how we will be in relationship. In a business setting, we rarely have the kind of preparatory exchanges where we set parameters for how we want to be together. Things just evolve. So it is even more critical to pay attention to the times when we want to keep things private.
As much as others may be ready and willing to stand by us, it is imperative that we trust our instincts to know when it is time to honour confidentiality for ourselves. Someone insisting they just want to help doesn't require that you meet that need for them. Check with your inner wisdom to know what is comfortable for you.
This statement popped into my head when I felt 'cornered' by someone who is a friend/acquaintance. We have known each other for over ten years and see each other infrequently. Sometimes our brief conversations are deep and meaningful. Other times we rant. Now, as I find myself struggling with an issue of huge significance to me, I realize that I don't want to share with her. She is kind, respectful and sincerely cares about me. But I still don't want to share. With her or anyone else. As she presses me with 'are you alright' and 'what can I do', I feel the overwhelming defensiveness of someone for whom privacy is a dotted line.
I know I have shared too much about myself with too many people in the past. And of course I wrote a book that included big chunks of my life so there is a lot about me that is public knowledge. But there are times when I don't want to talk about intimate details of my worries and challenges. This is one of them.
In the workplace, it is so easy to bond with our peers over projects and the daily routine of doing business. And it's not unusual for personal stuff to enter into the conversations over lunch or during breaks. The challenge for many women is setting boundaries around what we share. Because we naturally connect, we may have a hard time saying no to invitations to share. And we need to do that. Especially if we have shared a lot in the past.
When women leave my retreat, many know they will land back in the office to face the barrage of questions from their co-workers. Sometimes it is just one or two who know where they have been and other times word has spread through the team or department that they have gone away to some kind of retreat. They all have judgements about what that means and are super curious about the details of the experience. And these women are often reluctant to dilute their retreat impressions by giving out details. They are still in process and need time to decide what to say.
I'm a 'process out loud' kind of girl. When I walk with my buddy, we both appreciate how we each give the other space to blurt and reframe and listen to ourselves. Neither of us holds any judgement on the others' rambling even if we sometimes respond with our reflections. That works on a walk with a trusted friend where we have an agreement on how we will be in relationship. In a business setting, we rarely have the kind of preparatory exchanges where we set parameters for how we want to be together. Things just evolve. So it is even more critical to pay attention to the times when we want to keep things private.
As much as others may be ready and willing to stand by us, it is imperative that we trust our instincts to know when it is time to honour confidentiality for ourselves. Someone insisting they just want to help doesn't require that you meet that need for them. Check with your inner wisdom to know what is comfortable for you.
