The pursuit of perfection is making me fat. And I just figured that out. I'm writing this blog before I have spent long hours with my journal and in meditation to make this new awareness more clear. I'm writing because I felt compelled to get up out of bed and share my feelings.
I've known for a very long time that I use food to numb or avoid what I imagine will be uncomfortable emotions. Listening to Brené Brown on video tonight I heard her describe how the act of numbing doesn't differentiate and soon we are numbing feelings of sadness, pain, anger, frustration, fear AND joy, love, success, happiness and more.
Most importantly is that Dr. Brown talks about the relentless drive many of us have to try and 'be' and 'do' perfect. I SO get that. I can give my clients a wide berth to explore, fail and start over. I'm much harsher on myself. A voice in my head keeps saying "You should know this. You should be able to do this. You should get it." And, of course, because somewhere along the line I thought I had to be perfect, I believe the voice. And when I suspect I'm not perfect, or at the first hint that I'm seeing my 'lack', I eat.
I can imagine what my clients are thinking as they read this. Really? But you told us to be more self-accepting! Yes, indeed I did. And tonight I am realizing how critical it is to my personal growth and to the work I do, that I officially give myself permission to be imperfect at some things. And what I'm lousy at these days is ''eating' mindfully.
Of course I'm really, really good at lots of things. I'm not good at managing my food choices. The shame of not getting it right with food makes me head straight for the junk and sugar. No wonder I'm bulging out of my clothes! How can this be when I know with absolute certainty what to eat to feel better? The truth is that when I feel shame rising from within, I eat. Now that I've owned that, I'll noodle (great choice of words) it around for a few days and see what emerges.
A sense of relief is sweeping over me. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to do everything perfectly. Whew!