Long ago I learned a lesson that didn't feel comfortable at the time but one that I still remind myself of often.
A few months after completing the Hoffman Quadrinity Process back in May 1997, my friend's husband took the week-long transformational program. At his 'graduation' he was commenting on the impact when I replied "I know what you mean." Immediately, he answered "No you don't. It was my experience."
That statement woke me up. Of course it was HIS experience and of course I couldn't know exactly what he was feeling. I was looking through my lens, through my history, through my life perspective. I was ignoring his words and projecting thoughts of what I remembered from a few months earlier. I was wearing my shoes and not noticing that he was wearing his. It was a stark reminder of how frequently we make assumptions instead of being present.
I recently heard someone say that the quickest way to shut someone down is to say "I know exactly how you feel." We can NEVER know exactly how someone else feels. We can empathize and sympathize. We can 'relate' when circumstances trigger our own memories of similar events. And ... we can seek to understand by tuning out our own 'story' to fully engage in hearing theirs.
Many times when women come to a Women's Wisdom Retreat I hear something that rings a deep resonant bell from my own life. The coaching skills I've learned and continue to refine are the tools that help me focus on her and not me. I can't possibly know all the hills and valleys she has climbed to get to this point in her life. Together, with me and the other participants, each woman has the time and space to tell her truth; to walk in her own shoes.
A few months after completing the Hoffman Quadrinity Process back in May 1997, my friend's husband took the week-long transformational program. At his 'graduation' he was commenting on the impact when I replied "I know what you mean." Immediately, he answered "No you don't. It was my experience."
That statement woke me up. Of course it was HIS experience and of course I couldn't know exactly what he was feeling. I was looking through my lens, through my history, through my life perspective. I was ignoring his words and projecting thoughts of what I remembered from a few months earlier. I was wearing my shoes and not noticing that he was wearing his. It was a stark reminder of how frequently we make assumptions instead of being present.
I recently heard someone say that the quickest way to shut someone down is to say "I know exactly how you feel." We can NEVER know exactly how someone else feels. We can empathize and sympathize. We can 'relate' when circumstances trigger our own memories of similar events. And ... we can seek to understand by tuning out our own 'story' to fully engage in hearing theirs.
Many times when women come to a Women's Wisdom Retreat I hear something that rings a deep resonant bell from my own life. The coaching skills I've learned and continue to refine are the tools that help me focus on her and not me. I can't possibly know all the hills and valleys she has climbed to get to this point in her life. Together, with me and the other participants, each woman has the time and space to tell her truth; to walk in her own shoes.
