Like a tidal wave surprising the shoreline with a burst of energy, I am feeling the momentum of my next step. I don't believe I have ever presented myself as an angry person but certainly there have been times when I have erupted. I can be angry when I am passionate about something; a cause or a belief. And for sure, there have been times when a simmering anger over some injustice has boiled near the surface. But outrage is not my 'thing'. My role models taught me to be a martyr, to self-sabotage and to 'put up and shut up'.
Looking back, I see I was an excellent student. There have been times in my life where I was humiliated, violated, disrespected and victimized and through most of them, I was silent. If I reacted at all, it was with a feeble voice looking to be rescued from whatever trauma had been inflicted. But mostly, I did what I'd been taught in my family and turned the feelings inward.
But it isn't that easy anymore. I am in menopause and unless I am willing to start chemical therapy (which I am fiercely resisting) I have found little to no relief from the internal burning that stops me in my tracks during the days and guarantees I will be awakened and hammered in the night. So my pleading with the universe to point me towards a possible emotional/psychological solution began in earnest. As with so many 'signs', a subtle indicator showed up. I had just finished reading 'In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts' by the brilliant physician, author and teacher, Dr. Gabor Maté and loved it. Addiction is of special interest to me and his perspective is powerful. I had purchased a second book by Maté that had sat on my night stand for a few months. Now, I was quietly guided to pick it up for no other reason than to have something interesting to read for a while before bed. What I didn't know was that I was holding in my hands researched evidence that my suspicion that my symptoms had a root in my life experiences was true.
"When The Body Says No" is a compelling read about " The Cost of Hidden Stress'. It is a perfect book for me because I deeply believe there is a powerful mind body connection and that's exactly what I want and need to study right now. The opening chapters strike hard as Dr. Maté talks about the history of people with ALS. My dear friend Pam lost her difficult battle with ALS in April so this starting point had me fully entranced with the theories and discoveries. It was through this reading that I began to reflect on my own life and where I had hidden stress that I had been trying to manage. That's when anger hit my radar.
When I am in a retreat there is always at least one woman who shares something that I can intimately relate to. Their circumstances may have been more or less dramatic than mine yet always I am reminded of the pain that I too suffered. I am empathetic and compassionate and my job is to lead them through the process of forgiveness and liberation. And I'm pretty good at that.
But now I am wondering if there is still some outstanding work for me in my own journey. Perhaps this crescendo of intense inner fire that has been building these past several years is my internal Forest Fire Hazard sign. Maybe all the anger, towards others and myself, that has slowly grown inside of me is reaching a boiling point and I am called to face the truth. The years of suppressing my feelings to avoid confrontation, other people's anger, harsh criticism and severe repercussions has left me with a facade of coping that is as fragile as a snowflake.
But I am worried about this newfound understanding. I am especially afraid of what might happen if I stop hiding; stop pleasing and appeasing. What will happen to my relationships with family and friends if I set boundaries instead of holding resentments? Who will stick around if I no longer allow people to be disrespectful or insensitive towards me? How will my husband adjust to a change in the way I show up in our relationship? What will claiming my feelings be like?
What I have learned from the past is that rocking the boat can lead to alienation, rejection and abandonment. I've risked it before and suffered some difficult losses. I've also emerged happier and healthier from some of my choices.
So the big question I am facing now is if, without any personal proof that finding my voice, being my own advocate, speaking my truth and addressing my feelings head on, will in fact resolve the hot flashes and night sweats that are plaguing me. Then again, until I try, I have no proof that it won't.
Ms. Daryl Wood is the founder and heartfelt leader of the life-enhancing Women's Wisdom Retreats. She is also a published author and an empathetic, compassionate, Outcome-focused Coach. She will be facilitating a special Women's Empowerment Retreat focused on the TED* work on March 25/26 2017 in Milton, Ontario. Visit www.darylwood.com and www.womenswisdomretreats.com for more information.
Looking back, I see I was an excellent student. There have been times in my life where I was humiliated, violated, disrespected and victimized and through most of them, I was silent. If I reacted at all, it was with a feeble voice looking to be rescued from whatever trauma had been inflicted. But mostly, I did what I'd been taught in my family and turned the feelings inward.
But it isn't that easy anymore. I am in menopause and unless I am willing to start chemical therapy (which I am fiercely resisting) I have found little to no relief from the internal burning that stops me in my tracks during the days and guarantees I will be awakened and hammered in the night. So my pleading with the universe to point me towards a possible emotional/psychological solution began in earnest. As with so many 'signs', a subtle indicator showed up. I had just finished reading 'In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts' by the brilliant physician, author and teacher, Dr. Gabor Maté and loved it. Addiction is of special interest to me and his perspective is powerful. I had purchased a second book by Maté that had sat on my night stand for a few months. Now, I was quietly guided to pick it up for no other reason than to have something interesting to read for a while before bed. What I didn't know was that I was holding in my hands researched evidence that my suspicion that my symptoms had a root in my life experiences was true.
"When The Body Says No" is a compelling read about " The Cost of Hidden Stress'. It is a perfect book for me because I deeply believe there is a powerful mind body connection and that's exactly what I want and need to study right now. The opening chapters strike hard as Dr. Maté talks about the history of people with ALS. My dear friend Pam lost her difficult battle with ALS in April so this starting point had me fully entranced with the theories and discoveries. It was through this reading that I began to reflect on my own life and where I had hidden stress that I had been trying to manage. That's when anger hit my radar.
When I am in a retreat there is always at least one woman who shares something that I can intimately relate to. Their circumstances may have been more or less dramatic than mine yet always I am reminded of the pain that I too suffered. I am empathetic and compassionate and my job is to lead them through the process of forgiveness and liberation. And I'm pretty good at that.
But now I am wondering if there is still some outstanding work for me in my own journey. Perhaps this crescendo of intense inner fire that has been building these past several years is my internal Forest Fire Hazard sign. Maybe all the anger, towards others and myself, that has slowly grown inside of me is reaching a boiling point and I am called to face the truth. The years of suppressing my feelings to avoid confrontation, other people's anger, harsh criticism and severe repercussions has left me with a facade of coping that is as fragile as a snowflake.
But I am worried about this newfound understanding. I am especially afraid of what might happen if I stop hiding; stop pleasing and appeasing. What will happen to my relationships with family and friends if I set boundaries instead of holding resentments? Who will stick around if I no longer allow people to be disrespectful or insensitive towards me? How will my husband adjust to a change in the way I show up in our relationship? What will claiming my feelings be like?
What I have learned from the past is that rocking the boat can lead to alienation, rejection and abandonment. I've risked it before and suffered some difficult losses. I've also emerged happier and healthier from some of my choices.
So the big question I am facing now is if, without any personal proof that finding my voice, being my own advocate, speaking my truth and addressing my feelings head on, will in fact resolve the hot flashes and night sweats that are plaguing me. Then again, until I try, I have no proof that it won't.
Ms. Daryl Wood is the founder and heartfelt leader of the life-enhancing Women's Wisdom Retreats. She is also a published author and an empathetic, compassionate, Outcome-focused Coach. She will be facilitating a special Women's Empowerment Retreat focused on the TED* work on March 25/26 2017 in Milton, Ontario. Visit www.darylwood.com and www.womenswisdomretreats.com for more information.