There I was, focused on paddling against the wind, when my friend took a photo that she 'loves'. She appreciates the determination on my face, my hair blowing back, and the power of my arms pushing hard against the water. She couldn't wait to show me. I took one look and was horrified. I said "Oh my gosh, look how fat I look." She hadn't even noticed!
For a few minutes I felt overcome with shame at having gained weight. But within seconds I heard the voice in my head repeating something I had said to a woman I ran into at the grocery store that morning. We hadn't seen each other for over a year and she awkwardly told me how she was working long hours out of town and not eating well so inevitably she had gained a lot of weight.
This remarkable woman is enormously accomplished and very engaging with a beautiful smile. She has established a successful career and is a strong role model for her daughters and other women. I was prompted to quote India Arie with a little addition of my own and said, "Your worth is not determined by the size of your body or the price of your clothes." We had a big hug and she was grateful for my support.
So facing the photos on my friend's computer I had to stop and remind myself that if this is true for others, than of course it is true for me. Throughout the day I began thinking about what else does not determine my worth. I decided that:
My worth is not determined by ...
And that's probably just the beginning. What I know for sure is that even when I don't remember, I am worthy because I am. I was born worthy and because I live and breathe on this plant, I am worthy. If other people don't see it, then they aren't looking at me, just the packaging. If I don't see it, then I need to start holding up a mirror and having a thoughtful, self-acknowledging conversation ... right now.
For a few minutes I felt overcome with shame at having gained weight. But within seconds I heard the voice in my head repeating something I had said to a woman I ran into at the grocery store that morning. We hadn't seen each other for over a year and she awkwardly told me how she was working long hours out of town and not eating well so inevitably she had gained a lot of weight.
This remarkable woman is enormously accomplished and very engaging with a beautiful smile. She has established a successful career and is a strong role model for her daughters and other women. I was prompted to quote India Arie with a little addition of my own and said, "Your worth is not determined by the size of your body or the price of your clothes." We had a big hug and she was grateful for my support.
So facing the photos on my friend's computer I had to stop and remind myself that if this is true for others, than of course it is true for me. Throughout the day I began thinking about what else does not determine my worth. I decided that:
My worth is not determined by ...
- how much money I make
- how clean my house is
- how exotic my vacations are
- how big a job my kids have
- how new my car is
- how much someone loves me
- whether or not I recycle
- whether or not I know good art from mediocre art
- whether or not I show up for community events
- how short my hair is
- the times I don't 'get it right'
- the missed marketing opportunities
- if I might disappoint people
- how many contacts are on my mailing list
- whether or not I'm willing to risk confronting someone I love
- by how much I weigh
- what I think other people are thinking about me!
And that's probably just the beginning. What I know for sure is that even when I don't remember, I am worthy because I am. I was born worthy and because I live and breathe on this plant, I am worthy. If other people don't see it, then they aren't looking at me, just the packaging. If I don't see it, then I need to start holding up a mirror and having a thoughtful, self-acknowledging conversation ... right now.