I'm a December baby so birthday parties were rare when I was growing up. "Too close to Christmas" was the excuse most often used and with lots of kids to manage, it makes sense now.
But my 8th birthday was different. I had a party. Of course it wasn't just mine, because my younger sister's birthday happens two days before mine ... every year!. As kids, we delighted in being the same age for two days. I was a little ahead of myself in school so we had some common friends but many of our guests were invited based on a connection with one, not necessarily both of us. That was the case with Robert Wallace. Robert was a charming, red haired Irishman of about 9 years of age and the one who made my heart melt. My 8 year old mind had no idea what a 'crush' was but I knew there was something pretty special about Robert. So when my sister chased him around the party and generally held his attention for most of the event, I was annoyed.
Looking back it's clear that I felt betrayed by my sister who, in my mind, was taking something I wanted. Competition was rampant in my family but as this memory is etched in my mind, I know that it was more about the loss of trust. For an 8 year old, the message was "People you love will take things from you and not care if it hurts your feelings." Which became "People who love you will disappoint/hurt you." Believing that way back in my formative years meant that for most of the rest of my life I held that belief firmly in place, always looking for the ways that loved ones let me down. I came to expect it of people and was often proven right. The memory was so poignant that it likely overrode opposing thoughts that probably happened just as frequently.
What I know now is that yes, sometimes people I love will disappoint or hurt me. They will let me down or lash out at me, but I get to respond in a way that empowers me. I can let them own their 'stuff' and take responsibility for mine. I can remember that, just like me, they might sometimes be angry or vengeful. I'm not always that way and neither are they. Acceptance, forgiveness and love change everything.
The second lesson from my 8th birthday party is deeply rooted in my 'need to please'. While the timing of my taking on responsibility for everyone on the planet is still sketchy, there is no doubt that it showed up publicly at my 8th birthday party when Joyce Wilson handed me her gift. She looked a little embarrassed and said "You probably won't like it." Instinctively, as I opened the package (and without even giving it a good look), I held up the huge Christmas colouring book and announced very loudly "I like Joyce's present best" which put a huge big smile on her face.
However, my mother was horrified and just as loudly scolded me. Thus the years of people-pleasing and subsequent punishment/humiliation were set in motion. I couldn't shake the feeling of satisfaction I got, if even for only a few seconds, when Joyce responded so positively to what I'd said. Over the years I became obsessed with doing what I thought would make other people happy. Lots of times I was making up stuff in my head that I could do for others because I so badly needed my 'fix'. I invented ways to help others without even being asked. The results were often mixed. Some people appreciated what I did and we began the dance of co-dependency. Others welcomed my gestures for a while but soon tired of my neediness. So did I but man that's a hard ship to turn around. And when I was criticized or ridiculed by those I was helping, I did for myself what my mother had done ... I scolded myself.
What my 8 year old learned at the party was that making other people happy makes me feel worthy AND sometimes when you make someone happy, someone else gets mad. Nothing has changed. We say yes to others and no to ourselves. We compromise our own beliefs to feed other people's need to be taken care of. We feed our own need to be liked, wanted, loved without knowing when we've crossed a line into rescuing. In the Women's Wisdom Retreats we see this painfully clear as we draw out the Drama Triangle.
It's refreshing for me to connect the dots but the work doesn't end with understanding. I often say that 'knowing the way is not going the way'. If you don't use the tools you learn to change your reactions, you keep the cycle of self-diminishment pulling you along the path. Essentially, you are like a library, holding lots of information that is never accessed.
What lessons from your childhood are you still holding onto? What might be different in your life if you let go of the beliefs that hold you hostage to self-criticism?
But my 8th birthday was different. I had a party. Of course it wasn't just mine, because my younger sister's birthday happens two days before mine ... every year!. As kids, we delighted in being the same age for two days. I was a little ahead of myself in school so we had some common friends but many of our guests were invited based on a connection with one, not necessarily both of us. That was the case with Robert Wallace. Robert was a charming, red haired Irishman of about 9 years of age and the one who made my heart melt. My 8 year old mind had no idea what a 'crush' was but I knew there was something pretty special about Robert. So when my sister chased him around the party and generally held his attention for most of the event, I was annoyed.
Looking back it's clear that I felt betrayed by my sister who, in my mind, was taking something I wanted. Competition was rampant in my family but as this memory is etched in my mind, I know that it was more about the loss of trust. For an 8 year old, the message was "People you love will take things from you and not care if it hurts your feelings." Which became "People who love you will disappoint/hurt you." Believing that way back in my formative years meant that for most of the rest of my life I held that belief firmly in place, always looking for the ways that loved ones let me down. I came to expect it of people and was often proven right. The memory was so poignant that it likely overrode opposing thoughts that probably happened just as frequently.
What I know now is that yes, sometimes people I love will disappoint or hurt me. They will let me down or lash out at me, but I get to respond in a way that empowers me. I can let them own their 'stuff' and take responsibility for mine. I can remember that, just like me, they might sometimes be angry or vengeful. I'm not always that way and neither are they. Acceptance, forgiveness and love change everything.
The second lesson from my 8th birthday party is deeply rooted in my 'need to please'. While the timing of my taking on responsibility for everyone on the planet is still sketchy, there is no doubt that it showed up publicly at my 8th birthday party when Joyce Wilson handed me her gift. She looked a little embarrassed and said "You probably won't like it." Instinctively, as I opened the package (and without even giving it a good look), I held up the huge Christmas colouring book and announced very loudly "I like Joyce's present best" which put a huge big smile on her face.
However, my mother was horrified and just as loudly scolded me. Thus the years of people-pleasing and subsequent punishment/humiliation were set in motion. I couldn't shake the feeling of satisfaction I got, if even for only a few seconds, when Joyce responded so positively to what I'd said. Over the years I became obsessed with doing what I thought would make other people happy. Lots of times I was making up stuff in my head that I could do for others because I so badly needed my 'fix'. I invented ways to help others without even being asked. The results were often mixed. Some people appreciated what I did and we began the dance of co-dependency. Others welcomed my gestures for a while but soon tired of my neediness. So did I but man that's a hard ship to turn around. And when I was criticized or ridiculed by those I was helping, I did for myself what my mother had done ... I scolded myself.
What my 8 year old learned at the party was that making other people happy makes me feel worthy AND sometimes when you make someone happy, someone else gets mad. Nothing has changed. We say yes to others and no to ourselves. We compromise our own beliefs to feed other people's need to be taken care of. We feed our own need to be liked, wanted, loved without knowing when we've crossed a line into rescuing. In the Women's Wisdom Retreats we see this painfully clear as we draw out the Drama Triangle.
It's refreshing for me to connect the dots but the work doesn't end with understanding. I often say that 'knowing the way is not going the way'. If you don't use the tools you learn to change your reactions, you keep the cycle of self-diminishment pulling you along the path. Essentially, you are like a library, holding lots of information that is never accessed.
What lessons from your childhood are you still holding onto? What might be different in your life if you let go of the beliefs that hold you hostage to self-criticism?
