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The Persecutor Got Away With It Again

6/18/2017

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I swore I would not be intimidated or bullied and would definitely not let it happen to someone else. And it did. And I did. And I feel so victimized by someone I 'should' be able to trust. Within hours the typical sarcasm and needling began. I couldn't believe how long it went on and how my friend and I ultimately 'gave in' to a decision that we did not agree with. We were just worn down by the bully. I felt so uncomfortable; so disappointed; so frustrated; and so worried about how my friend was being impacted.

But I didn't stop it. I let this Persecutor continue to disparage us and other people that we knew. Straight out of the Dreaded Drama Triangle, I took turns freezing, fleeing, pleasing and appeasing. And now I am angry. Why didn't I speak up? I could have said 'Whoa, that's nasty.' Or 'I hope you are just trying to be funny but I gotta say that from over here you sound really mean'. Or even just 'Stop.' But I didn't and now I am pacing the floor trying to find a way to soothe my wounded spirit.

What really, really, really bugs me is that this has been going on for years and no one, including me, has done anything about it. I am ashamed of my lack of backbone. I am angry at my willingness to let myself and someone I love be victimized. I am sad that no matter how well intentioned I am, I still don't do anything. And I know better. I teach the roles of The Empowerment Dynamic* where claiming our space as a Creator of our response to life is powerful. I know how to be a Coach and a Challenger. But knowing the way is not going the way. You can gather all the wisdom you can hold and still come to a dead halt in the face of the Dreaded Drama Triangle.

Regardless of what my friend believes, I know full well that bullies lack self-esteem and this one, just like all master Persecutors, is extremely skilled at identifying who they can pick on and get away with it. Just as our roles in the DDT are defined by the responses and action or lack thereof over the years, so has this person dug a deeper hold on theirs. We have clearly given them a free pass for years and clearly felt victimized every time.

So ... now what? What do I do to shift myself back to a Creator orientation so that I can get some sleep tonight? First, just writing this out has helped. Next, I am noticing how easily I get sucked into the DDT and move from feeling victimized to becoming a Persecutor myself. The DDT is seductive and I remember what I tell all my clients ... we all land in the DDT at some time or another. It's up to you how long you stay there. Awareness is powerful. But living fully requires not just being consciously aware but also consciously taking action.

So here I am and pausing long enough to take a few breaths and ask myself what I would say to a client. And right away, a new thought emerges. What if I saw this person as a Challenger to my way of being in the world? Yes, their behaviour clearly fits the Persecutor role AND if I let myself wonder about the possibility that this person is really in my life, at this time, to challenge me; to 'force' me to see where I let myself and others down, then I can begin to choose steps towards making changes. I have often held back to avoid confrontation or rejection. This Persecutor is energetically 'demanding' that I stop playing small; that I practice what I teach; that I use my voice to speak up and speak out. I so admire the quote from Elie Wiesel  "I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

That's exactly what I did. I was silent. My job now, if I am to live with the integrity that SO matters to me, and to embody the empowering role of a Creator, is to speak up. I am scared to death of the consequences so I'll follow the TED* principles and just take Baby Steps. That's how you change your patterns. I'm ready.


Ms. Daryl Wood is the founder and heartfelt leader of the life-enhancing Women's Wisdom Retreats. She is also a published author and an empathetic, compassionate, Outcome-focused Coach. As a Certified TED* practitioner, she facilitates the Creating Extraordinary Outcomes in the Workplace for private groups and organizations. Visit www.darylwood.com and www.womenswisdomretreats.com for more information.

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Stop And Smell ... The Tulips!

6/1/2017

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How many times have you passed by a rose and thought "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to stop and smell the roses." And so you do. And you likely remember in that moment how nice it is to pause and inhale the scent.

How many times have you passed by a tulip and thought "Oh yeah, stop and smell the tulip." Seriously? Who does that? Not me until recently when my friend was visiting and she had to stop and smell every tulip. In spite of a pretty good memory I couldn't recall a time when I had ever smelled a tulip. Maybe I did growing up but it wasn't embedded in my brain. So I had to see what was so intriguing about the smell of tulips and to my delight, they smell lovely.

It got me thinking of how many things I may be missing in life because I follow a script that was written by my family, friends and acquaintances over the years. Maybe I have taken the same route or followed the same patterns in the choices I've made. It is true that although I was never introduced as a child to kiwi, avocados, salsa and hummus, I am now a big fan. I did not grow up around water so now that I live on Lake Huron my appreciation is boundless.

And what about the ways of thinking that we never challenge because we simply react to life's situations. I know that I was raised ... unintentionally ... to slip into a drama filled state of anxiety over anything that felt like a slight or criticism. It still shocks me how quickly I can feel victimized (although like most people I don't like to label myself that way) instead of pausing to see the truth of the events taking place around me. I take this work of living with joy and peace very seriously and to stay in integrity with what I teach, I put a lot of effort into holding a more empowered perspective on what comes my way.

This is the 'tulip' effect. Doing something different. Getting a different result. And sometimes a very pleasant one. Where in your life are you trudging down the same well worn path you have always taken and missing the potential for

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Twenty Years of Love

4/20/2017

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A few days ago I joined a small but mighty group of friends to celebrate the 20th Anniversary of attending The Hoffman Process. I had no idea going into the process in 1997 what to expect and I couldn't in a million years have foreseen how the Universe would conspire to deliver me an incredible experience of healing and growth. From the people I met to the circumstances leading up to the process, there is no doubt that I was being 'set up' for maximum enlightenment. Twenty years later, I am no longer surprised by the 'coincidences'. The well known phrase 'when the student is ready, the teacher will appear' is the best way to describe this journey.

I have written a detailed description of my Hoffman Process in my So What? Now What? book so I won't replay it all here. In essence, the ground beneath my feet shifted in such a big way, that the course of my life changed in that week. Every relationship in my life was altered and my ability to love and support my parents surpassed what I thought possible. Some things were different immediately such as my behaviour and connection with my son. Others, like the ending of my marriage took time. I kept doing some things I'd always done - being kind to others - and embarked on new things - being kind to myself!

It was this time of learning that pointed me towards developing and leading retreats for women. I recognized the need for women to have a safe place to retreat to for introspection, renewal and focus. After 16 years of leading what has become very intensive retreats, I am reminded of how far I have come AND where I am situated in relation to what I offer. As I write this today, I feel a longing to redesign and redefine the way I gift women with personal discovery. This twenty year mark and the meeting with people I love and admire has woke me up to the inner calling to realign.

I am enormously grateful for knowing some remarkable people who trudged through their past to find the opening to a future full of love and hope at the Hoffman Process with me. It was a grueling week and one we all survived with a base of self-love and acceptance that we can't turn away from, no matter how difficult life gets. Those of us left carry on our legacy of love and respect for each other and the process that brought together an unlikely band of seekers. We are bonded not only by what drew us together and what we shared but by the memories of those who we will never forget.

Since Hoffman, I have lost loved ones and found new love. I developed meaningful friendships that I never knew were possible. I have followed a path of learning that is fascinating and empowering. And most of all, I found the courage to claim space for myself in a world where I believed I didn't belong.

My gratitude to the strong leadership that guided me that week. My gratitude to the unconscious, the gods, the universe, the higher power, the angels and whatever else you might call the divine energies that so lovingly lifted me up, carried me over the coals and continue to guide my journey. A Course in Miracles says "If you knew who walks beside you on this path that you have chosen, fear would be impossible." I am certain of who walks beside me and blessed beyond words to have my Hoffman classmates (living and passed) with me every step of this incredible journey.


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A Lesson In Acceptance

4/17/2017

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For some reason there seems to be a lot of people in my life who are on the move over the past year. There are friends moving to the country and some moving to the city. There are those who are downsizing and those expanding. There are those leaving homesteads and those building new ones. My perspectives on these various changes became very clear last November.

Following a dream he has had for many years, my husband Doug and I bought a small house in his hometown. While we have no immediate intention of moving from our piece of paradise in Tobermory, we now have a getaway to a city that offers things we don't have here. It was both an impulsive and well thought out decision. And it has felt right every step of the way. That's what brought me to a realization about myself. I haven't always been fully accepting of other people's choices.

Generally, I get pretty excited when people I know are stepping into new experiences. I love hearing and feeling the energy they give off when they are focused on following a vision and I can get caught up in the process very easily. I have thought I was pretty supportive and open minded but upon reflection I wondered if I was as accepting as I imagined myself to be. What came up was conversations between Doug and I that sounded like "Why would anyone want that?" "I couldn't stand living there." "I'm not sure they have really thought this out." "I hope they don't regret that decision." and "I would never do that." Looking back, even though we were happy for our friends and family, we were still making some comparisons with our own lives and what mattered to us. We did offer lots of sincere praise and encouragement to our others but curiously there was still a little part of us that was shaking our heads in confusion. Until we bought our house.

What happened next was a big reminder of how instinctively judgemental we all can be. We were so excited and began sharing our news with friends and family. Reactions were mixed and right away we could tell from some of the questions and remarks that others were now seeing our decision through the lens of their experience. Some were impressed. Some were not. Some showed mild approval and others were resistant. In the latter, each time we mentioned something that was intriguing for us we got a retort that sounded denigrating. Suddenly I realized we were facing the same range of reactions that we might have displayed in the past.

I'd like to think that we were more subtle with our objections but I'm wise enough to know that we may have been a little transparent ... at least some of the time. The lesson was learned and I have since found myself giving my full attention to the feelings and energy behind changes that others are making. Acceptance of ourselves and others is a key ingredient to healthy relationships. I'm all for that!



Ms. Daryl Wood is the founder and heartfelt leader of the life-enhancing Women's Wisdom Retreats. She is also a published author and an empathetic, compassionate, Outcome-focused Coach. She facilitates the engaging I've Got This! One Day Retreats focused on the Power of TED* work for private groups, businesses, organizations and sometimes for women only. Visit www.darylwood.com and www.womenswisdomretreats.com for more information.

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Spring Message and Updates

4/5/2017

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Click HERE for the newsletter mentioned above.
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Listen. Just Listen.

4/4/2017

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"No fixing, no saving, no advising, no setting each other straight." Parker Palmer

What a gift it would be for all of us to have someone in our life who simply holds the space for us to express ourselves. I especially like these four reminders that Parker Palmer uses for his circle gatherings.

In most dialogues there is a mutual exchange of feelings and thoughts. That's what the average conversation is all about. Yet sometimes, we really just need someone to listen to us process out loud without any input. I know for sure that I need that. The best resources for me are my coach colleagues who have learned the skills of being completely with their clients as a sincere listener. While we are trained to ask powerful questions to expand the learning, there are times, on casual, catch up calls, when we suspend all impulses and just let each other 'be' with their musings.

My husband Doug is an excellent listener. While he admits that most of the time he would love to tell me what to do (and we have lots of jokes about that), he and I both benefit from the times when we can set aside our own agenda to be present with the one who needs the space in that moment. We have noticed that we can typically work things out ourselves just by having a witness.

For me, one exception to this rule is when I know that I am allowing someone to entrench themselves in a Victim Orientation. It doesn't serve either of us for me to enable an ongoing blame and complain rant. This is when I put on my coaching hat and stop the slide into darkness. I don't fix, save, advise or set straight. I stop the conversation and invite the speaker to offer a different perspective or stop talking. This gives them the opportunity to shift ... or find someone else to whine to! There have been times when I have challenged  my friends to do the same for me. The last thing I need in my life is someone who lets me wear myself and them down with historical complaining that has no outcome.

So I wonder ... Who is your 'go-to' person when you don't want to be fixed or saved or advised or set straight? For whom do you give this special gift of time and space? Today, give yourself or someone else at least one chance to be heard with gentle, loving acceptance.



Ms. Daryl Wood is the founder and heartfelt leader of the life-enhancing Women's Wisdom Retreats. She is also a published author and an empathetic, compassionate, Outcome-focused Coach. She facilitates the engaging I've Got This! One Day Retreats focused on the Power of TED* work for private groups, businesses, organizations and sometimes for women only. Visit www.darylwood.com and www.womenswisdomretreats.com for more information.

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BIG News From Daryl

2/5/2017

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The Tools For Emotional Recovery

1/23/2017

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Oh how I wish those darn triggers would never happen. Even though I get that I am being given incredible opportunities to learn, I would still prefer that they didn't jar my world. What I am developing is my muscle for emotional recovery and I have the perfect set of tools to do it with.

This morning started off with me worrying about an email I didn't get, an email I did get and an email I had to send. I began complaining to the world's most patient husband about my reaction to each of these and I jumped around from being a Persecutor of the person who was insensitive in their message to the Persecutor of the person who has not replied to me yet. I staked a pretty good claim for what was the real underlying issue ... my feeling Victimized. I saw my husband's face and remembered how my friend had stopped me on our walk one day and said "We're not going there again are we?"

Yes indeed I was 'going there again'. Heading down the shaft of self-pity and blame. Now before you think I am a complete nut for doing this I have to remind you that we ALL do it. We ALL get triggered by something - a person, an event, a situation. Some of us recover and some of grab the experience for all it's worth and carry the badge of Victimhood for as long as we can milk it. Been there. Done that. Doesn't work for me anymore.

I am often asked (as I was last week at the WIN Luncheon in Tobermory) what to do when the thing you let go of shows up again. Well, that's what happened to me this morning and that's when I knew my best tool for emotional recovery was the First Vital Question of the TED* work: Where are you putting your focus? When I am willing to pause and be honest with myself, the answer is usually that I am focused on what I don't want; on what is not working in a relationship or situation; what is causing me angst.

When we are clear about where we are putting our focus we can choose to instead focus on what we want. Some people have a tougher time pinpointing what they want and since I'm both a teacher and student of this work, I was able to get there within minutes. It was clear that I wanted to enjoy the little house we are renovating and to celebrate the wonderful friendships that continue to nurture my soul. I almost leapt off the couch to start my day. Even I was more than surprised by how fast I could turn around my blue mood.  No kidding.

The next steps of the process are equally powerful and while I didn't need them this morning there are times when I pull out my TED* worksheet and follow the path to liberation from drama.

None of us will ever be able to completely avoid being triggered. If we can't move past it without anxiety and feeling defeated, angry, frustrated, hurt, etc, then TED* has a surefire way to help us recover. How will you shift your focus today to make the most of your experience?


Ms. Daryl Wood is the founder and heartfelt leader of the life-enhancing Women's Wisdom Retreats. She is also a published author and an empathetic, compassionate, Outcome-focused Coach. She will be facilitating a special Women's Empowerment Retreat focused on the TED* work on March 25/26 2017 in Milton, Ontario. Visit www.darylwood.com and www.womenswisdomretreats.com for more information.

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Swimsuit Drama

1/18/2017

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When a Victim Orientation feels justified it is pretty hard to turn things around. I know. It just happened to me and I am a teacher of the Dreaded Drama Triangle/Empowerment Dynamic. After two hours of trying on swimsuits I went home humiliated and ashamed. I had just lost weight so I assumed I would have lots of flattering choices. Instead, I was shocked by how horrible everything looked on me. I fired off a pitifully sad email to a close friend and spent the rest of the day crying. My self-talk was hurtful and I lamented that I would never find a swimsuit for our upcoming vacation. I felt so victimized by food, by my body, by the food industry, the swim suit manufacturers, the images of women in swimsuits, etc. I jumped between blaming myself and blaming my environment. It was exhausting.

Early the next morning my friend replied with a comforting and encouraging email that was pointing me in a completely different direction. Some of it landed but I was fiercely holding onto my Victimhood. Even though I was feeling so defeated, I still clung to all the negative feelings that had risen inside of me. This was something I had been in training for my whole life so I did it well.

Then, as if I hadn't even seen it the first time, I re-read her message and the line "What would a Creator decide in this circumstance?" Yikes! Of course! The Creator Orientation from The Empowerment Dynamic!

I had plunged so far into the Victim Orientation I had forgotten (temporarily) that I also had the Creator energy. I clearly heard the words that bring The Empowerment Dynamic to life "what do you want?" I had to pause ... take a few deep breaths ... and check inside. Then I knew that what I really wanted was to feel love and appreciation for my body. I knew without hesitation that if I did that, I would eventually find what I was looking for. And I did. I spent that day being kind to myself and when some time opened up I headed back to the store to pick up some slacks I needed. As I browsed a nearby rack my eyes went up to a sign on a far wall saying 'Swimwear'. I hadn't even seen this the day before and in fact, had only been shopping in a small promotional section. I took my self-confidence to the Swimwear section and could scarcely believe how many viable options there were. I told myself that I didn't need to buy one but could have some fun trying on different styles and wouldn't you know. I found exactly what I wanted. This picture is the one I chose and I love it.

I didn't find my new swimsuit by holding onto a Victim Orientation. I found it by empowering myself through the Creator perspective. So ... I teach this work ... and I live it. The biggest lesson for me was that I had not been consistently doing the things that keep me grounded (twice daily meditation, daily journal writing, brisk walks). Life had gotten a little disorganized and I had let go of the very things that keep me in tune with my wise inner self. Drama and victim responses often show up when we have 'looked away' for a moment. That's what I had done and now I am recommitted to staying focused on self-love and self-acceptance so I am more prepared for the next surprise!

If you would like to tap into your Creator energy, join me and like-minded women on March 25/26, 2017  to learn and grow together (links below). Now ... go be your most beautiful, courageous self!


Ms. Daryl Wood is the founder and heartfelt leader of the life-enhancing Women's Wisdom Retreats. She is also a published author and an empathetic, compassionate, Outcome-focused Coach. She will be facilitating a special Women's Empowerment Retreat focused on the TED* work on March 25/26 2017 in Milton, Ontario. Visit www.darylwood.com and www.womenswisdomretreats.com for more information.

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Don't Leave This Day To Chance

1/18/2017

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Another sunrise; another day dawns. This day will be like no other you have ever experienced. Don't leave this day to chance.

Don't wait for something magical to happen. Create magic wherever you can.

Don't wait for love to find you. Love yourself and others.

Don't rush past the fragrances, the images, the feelings of the world you live in. Pause and breathe in the living, beating heart of our planet and those you share it with.

Life can feel so predictable and even routine. But not this day. This is the day you don't leave to chance. This is the day you open your eyes a little bit wider and take in the full scope of your surroundings. This is the day you soften your heart to hear the rhythm of life ebbing and flowing in your presence.

What will you make of this exceptional opportunity that waking up has given you? There may be other days when you simply can't sit still. Today, give yourself permission to stay awake and see what wonder might spill into your life.


Ms. Daryl Wood is the founder and heartfelt leader of the life-enhancing Women's Wisdom Retreats. She is also a published author and an empathetic, compassionate, Outcome-focused Coach. She will be facilitating a special Women's Empowerment Retreat focused on the TED* work on March 25/26 2017 in Milton, Ontario. Visit www.darylwood.com and www.womenswisdomretreats.com for more information.

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